Estimated reading time: 7 minutes
It’s that time of the year again. Reappraisal of how we are, what we are, what we are doing is in full ( and sometimes depressing) full flow. None of this is helped by the fact that a large party called Christmas has just been held and we are now collectively coming off the morning after affect. It’s hard to look into the mirror at such times and to realise that not only is Christmas over, but also to know that a whole calendar year has gone by.
The spin that was spun for the previous six weeks leading up to this was to ‘let go’ and the spin that is spun for the month of January is the opposite. Dry January combines with weight loss January and new year resolutions to the promise of a ‘new me’ January . Perhaps this impulse for change is not completely market driven and I may be overly cynical. Maybe its an ancient regenerative mechanism that relates to the literal turning of the year as the tilt of the earth moves once more on its axis back toward the sun and lengthening of the days.
“…become friends with ourselves and be more compassionate to our perceived feelings.”
Models of change
Eva Wiseman, a columnist whom I really like in the Guardian newspaper recently wrote a piece which questioned the urge to change, that people get subjected to at this time of the year. She effectively seems to say that we would all be a lot better off if collectively and individually we could learn to accept who and what we are. To become friends with ourselves and be more compassionate to our perceived feelings. I agree with her.
Still, there is a usefulness to the questioning of the self I would argue. The balance between beating one self up has to be tempered with a desire to grow and develop beyond the familiarity and predictability of our actions and their all too familiar outcomes. There are many models of change out there though most of them are result orientated and are less inclined toward a more holistic view where a fundamental shift occurs. An example of this would be the classic scenario of a person who wishes to drop a stone or two, and who may even succeed and then discover that they are no closer to being happy with whom they are than when they were heavier. Change is deeper than skin deep.
Change
The first task of bringing about change is observation. Sounds pretty simple I know. Most individuals whom I meet would say something like ‘I know what I do wrong and I just need to get the discipline to stay with changing it’. If only it were so simple. The reality is that most people are operating in a completely unconscious habitual way. As human beings we unwittingly believe that we are fully ‘switched on’ when in fact most of us are highly reactive to outside stimuli. We respond all right but tend to do so from a place akin to a doctor recognizing a presentation of a cold. This skill of pattern recognition is useful in some presentations, and is a clever little evolutionary short cut that the brain has worked out over millennia but is of little use when we are navigating the complexity of human transaction. Additionally this presumptive way of thinking is prone when improperly applied, to getting us into all sorts of bother both at a personal and a business level.
“That’s interesting that I behave like that!” Is far more fruitful than “here I go doing that again!”
Habit of behaviour
So the task is to ‘switch on and break out of our unconscious habit of behaviour. The purpose of a habit is to bring about a predictable response or outcome. We brush our teeth to have them healthy. Likewise we exercise or save some money. All of these actions seek to bring about an outcome we can depend on. In fact we get to depend on its dependability.We get lazy with this. Proper observation that seeks to bring about change involves beginning to observe ones own inner dialogue. That inner voice and self talk that we all have and rarely if ever ceases. The important element here though is to ensure that your self talk as you observe yourself in action does not revert to its critique mode of which it seems normally switched into. In this instruction what one is seeking to do is to step away from the predictable dance with oneself about actions and outcomes and to view how you are and what you are doing with a fresh curiosity and crucially, some proper compassion. This approach also prevents our introspection from closing itself down as we bring ourselves up against the hard wall of our own too harsh critic. As this practice of a more benign form of self reflection deepens one can become pleasantly surprised at what can be seen.Patterns of behaviour and need begin to become clearer. The wood does become more distinct from the trees and with it a clearer and less emotionally charged appraisal of the self emerges.
So what do we do with these realisations? What is it that we wish to change having spent some time observing? Whatever is identified it is important that one doesn’t charge into a process that is overly rigid and disciplined . In all likelihood these approaches bore little or no fruit previously anyway. So, something worth changing gets chosen. It could be something like knowing that one has to stand up for oneself with a work colleague or manager. It could be a desire to lessen a tendency toward losing ones temper. Whatever is chosen it has to be done through a desire for authentic and deeper change which has been fully informed by the period of self observation that has occurred . In this respect this becomes informed change and has a clear path of intention that is not clouded by emotional desperation.
Observation
The task then is to enact the change you desire. The observation serves to provide clarity and can serve to interrupt the reactive bit in ourselves that brings us into old and predictable patterns of responses. When presented with a circumstance where the desired change can occur, view it as an opportunity rather than a challenge. The new approach however should now consist of a literal 180 degree alteration of behaviour. This seems a tall ask, but as has been described this is now a considered change in behaviour. If the tendency has been to be avoidant and the desire for change is to not be, the new behaviour has to reflect this.
Adopting this new way of being is uncomfortable and difficult. Breaking out of old ingrained patterns of behaviour inevitably cause discomfort. This is one of the ways in which habit operates. Part of its function is to create an ease. The problem with unconscious habit is that it also brings about predictable outcomes which tend to be undesirable. A sure fire way to identify this dynamic in your life is to notice when you are thinking “why does this always happen to me?”. By moving into a space where you practice breaking out of habit, there is no guarantee of the desired result. Sometimes the desired result will occur. What will happen as a definite , is that older predictable patterns in the self get interrupted and in doing so opportunities for new behaviours and new outcomes have space. It is in this new area that change can then occur. The reality of habit is that despite all of the positives that it brings it also closes down development and transformation.Habit can sometimes be an enemy of change.
Sheldon Kopp wrote a wonderful book many years ago titled ‘Home is where we come from’’. In this he explains eloquently how much of our personal and professional selves are derived from the blueprint of our childhood rearing and family experiences. Breaking these lifetime habits of formation, reactions, and identity is an enormous task. It is through a deliberate and compassionate knowledge of ourselves, our way of being in the world, our needs, and what drives all of these that we can break free from the discomfort of arriving at old familiar ground over and over again. The new habit then has to include a commitment to this method as not being an occasional thing to try or a one hit wonder once a month. We have to resist the urge to fall back into a type of sleep and work at flicking the switch of the self back on every time it resets itself to the comfort zone. When we do this and commit to it we have a chance not just of shedding some pounds in weight or altering aspects of our behaviours. We might have a shot at moving our whole selves on a notch in the wider scheme of things. Now, isn’t that a new year resolution worth aiming for?
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